My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
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Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.