When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
You Might Also Like
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes