Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!