@wildethingy

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

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@deephora_

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@craigstone_

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@Carbosly

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

@RobDenBleyker

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.