Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight
[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.
She’ll find love in another man.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.