*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media