Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.