*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Many hands make light work
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord