*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me![]()
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[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
All. The. Damn. Time.
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway