*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
scares
SCARY COSTUME
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Double negatives are never not confusing.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.