I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My whole life was a lie.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name