For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.