BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You Might Also Like
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
A cabbage a day keeps people away.