We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
We need more people like this.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”