Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Respect
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I hope this email finds you in a well
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it