McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.