Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
You Might Also Like
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.