I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever