Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
The options really are this bad
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.