Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons