Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
What kind of a cult is this?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
a lot to unpack here
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.