If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”