I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.