I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.![]()
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A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
This trial is so absurd 😭
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.