Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

Ok but actually

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

“Huge”.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.