I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards