Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
You Might Also Like
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
lmao
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football