Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
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Me: Same
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.