Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
the best thing i’ve ever made
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.