Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

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My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.


Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.


Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage


Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.


Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.


War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.


A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.


hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-


I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.