@PerfectPending

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

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@UrAvgDegenerate

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

@theshantilly

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

@Mandiatrandom1

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

@Angrea

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

@click4amanda

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

@NickBossRoss

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

@PaperWash

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

@AimeeHelene1

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.