*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
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4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die