if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.