@robcorddry

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

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@mattsurely

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

@ObscureGent

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

@Dad_At_Law

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

@EJGomez

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

@tigersgoroooar

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

@lisaxy424

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

@TheCatWhisprer

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.