Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.