I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.