first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
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I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Inside you there are two wolves
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.