Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”