husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
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I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.