Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
WTF IS THAT!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I have never related to anyone more.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.