I have never related to anyone more.
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Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
…..pretty much.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
no one ever comes back
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site