“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?