“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.