[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
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I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good