restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Incredible customer service.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Catering service
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.