restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
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ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*