@Shade510

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

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@FredTaming

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

@Cheeseboy22

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@KyleMakesStufUp

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

@Havish_AF

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

@mzeld

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

@PrettyInCamo11

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

@lakeanagirl

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

@lenadunham

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

@emsykay

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off