Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard