Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
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My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.