That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
the greatest twitter interaction
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Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.