My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
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Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.