My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
multitasking lunch
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There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.