Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
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A duv-egg? In this economy?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
why am I working on Labor Day
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved