@AmberTozer

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

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@Ygrene

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

@Brianhopecomedy

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

@kristinb5150

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

@evildadatron

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@FatherWithTwins

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

@UnFitz

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

@Book_Krazy

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

@TheAlexNevil

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.