Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

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[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy


Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.


being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”


Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit


Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.


My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store


Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?


A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.


At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.