@kodeeezzzy I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
@AnissaClingman My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
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@kodeeezzzy Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
@Reverend_Scott [interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
@GibJimson The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
@goldengateblond what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
@vineyille “Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
@TheToddWilliams Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
@shadonium Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
@durtywhitebitch I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
@cinnamxntxast “what’s it like having a sister?”
