My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
When you let grandma cat sit
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.