@ashgrash Ok, but like, how married are you?
@AnissaClingman My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
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@ashgrash 
@Lisa_Laughs_ I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
@XplodingUnicorn [loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
@Shariv67 Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
@JessObsess I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
@Marlebean That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
@torrami Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
@lloydrang Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
@sonictyrant I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
@TheCiscoKidder Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.