Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?