I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once