Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy