I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
You Might Also Like
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
A fake ID that makes you younger
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE