*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions