[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Unimpressed
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
are they though??
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.