7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
This hospital has everything
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.